On May 17, 2006, Reed issued a salvo against Fulton County judge who, in Reed's terms, dishonored the "sanctity of the institution of marriage" by striking down Georgia's gay marriage ban. In a press release on the homepage of his campaign web site, www.ralphreed.com, Reed called the ruling "just the latest example of a liberal judiciary run amoc [sic]." Reed, who cannot spell amok (okay, who gives a kissin' cousin fok?), added that "Georgians agree in their belief that marriage should be defined as a man and a woman in holy matrimony."

Holy matrimony, Batman! Does Reed's definition of sanctified marriage include a man and his third cousin? Well, what about a man who married his third cousin, Ms. Peruggi, then had the marriage annulled after a brief 14 years as soon as he "discovered" (in the midst of an adulterous affair with Ms. Hanover) that his wife was not his third cousin, but actually his second cousin? What about a man who has an annulment, marries his lover waiting in the wings, and then ends his second marriage with another adulterous affair?

Reed is not just desperate; he's throwing a hypocrisy fest, and former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani is the guest of honor and featured speaker. This is the second time Giuliani, who is eyeing a run for the White House, has headlined a political fundraiser for Reed in order to pander to the religious right.

And now is the time when Reed is counting on Giuliani's support the most, because according to a recent Republican pollster, Strategic Vision, LLC, 45 percent of likely conservative voters in Georgia dislike Reed, compared with only 40 percent who favor him. For Reed, that's actually good news: it means his poll numbers have not slipped even more in the past six weeks. He's holding steady in Net Negative Numbers, and the best he can say is, at least it didn't get any worse in the last couple of months.

Now, Reed clings to a six percentage point lead, grateful that his Republican primary opponent, State Senator Casey Cagle, has not inched any closer over the last couple of months, especially since Reed is steeped in the stench of corruption over his sordid ties to convicted gambling lobbyist Jack Abramoff.

Homophobe Ralph Reed is so desperate to win the Georgia lieutenant gubernatorial primary in July that he invites pro-gay rights Rudolph Giuliani to headline his May 18 fundraiser. And here's an embarrassment for Reed: Giuliani came out against President George W. Bush's call for a ban on gay marriage in a "Meet the Press" interview on March 7, 2004.

Yet there is pro-choice, pro-gun control, pro-gay Giuliani, grippin' and grinnin' with Reed on Reed's homepage, right next to Reed's sulfurous condemnation of a judge who struck down Georgia's gay marriage ban.

"I don't think it's ripe for decision at this point," said the Hon. Giuliani on Meet the Press. "I think this should play itself out in more states. I certainly wouldn't support [a ban] at this time," added His BACF-iness, who bunked in with a wealthy gay Manhattan couple when his second wife threw him out of Gracie Mansion during his nasty divorce.

That's right: the Catholic church granted Giuliani's request for an annulment of his first marriage on the ground that he belatedly found out that the cousin he was bedding was his second cousin, not his third cousin. It happens. You know, they were childhood sweethearts, but the subject of how they shared the same great-grandparents had just never come up. Very believable. Imagine the dialogue:

"Dear, I'm sorry that I am having an affair, which reminds me, we share the same great-grandparents, which makes us third cousins, right? No? You mean to say, third cousins share the same great-great-grandparents? But wait: we share the same great-grandparents, but not the same great-great-grandparents. Yes, I've kissed her. No, I mean, it's none of your business whether I've told her that I love her. Just hold on. Let me get this clear: you mean to say that our having the same great-grandparents in common makes us second cousins? And here I thought we were third cousins. Well, then as painful as this is to say - and let me add, I'm awfully embarrassed - I think I see a way out of our sticky wicket. We can just get an annulment, don't you see? King's X, everybody out of the pool. Like it never happened - at least, in the eyes of the Republican party's Christian conservative base. God, you know, it's funny but I almost feel kind of friggin' relieved. Wowza! My bad, dear. Shake on it?"

And in certain red states, like Georgia, courting one's cousin may actually help a presidential primary hopeful bond with the voters in an identity-politics kind of way. Somewhere, on the back of a pickup, there may well be a bumper sticker: Cousin Booty for Rudy.

But the second marriage, that poses a problem. That one, the church refused to annul. Apparently, the rule is, "Marry your second cousin once, whoop-de-doo; fool around twice, shame on you." It's a grace-filled, do-over version of the Pottery Barn Rule (you break your vows once, but then you keep 'em.) But Giuliani didn't keep his vows the second time either.

Okay, Ralph Reed, how about a once-annulled man who goes to live with a wealthy gay couple when his second wife throws him out of the mansion, while he's awaiting his nasty divorce, and before he can enter into his third marriage? Does that fit your definition of the "sanctity of marriage"? What if the church refuses to sanctify the third marriage?

Now the third time out, Giuliani gave up on the holy matrimony and settled for a civil ceremony on the lawn of Gracie Mansion, presided over by New York Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg.

For those keeping score at home, that's one annulment, one divorce, and one non-sanctified, civil union between a man and a woman who is not a sister, aunt, niece, first cousin, second cousin, or second cousin once-removed. Third cousins? Still okay and even chic in a Cousin/Cousine kinda way.

BACFs? Still okay by Reed, as long as the cousins are not of the same sex. Because that right there, my friends, that would be undermining the sanctity of Reed's right to stick his nose under your covers and up your butt for a good, long sniff.

Look, folks, I know you don't want to think ill of either Saint Ralph or America's Mayor, but you've got to admit that the whole prospect is just too La Cage aux Folles/Bird Cage. How do you know Giuliani and Reed are having a hyprocrisy fest? Even if you didn't have this cartoon about Jack Abramoff's buddy hugging "the gay-loving liberal," you'd have this: the thought that if the former Christian Coalition leader's Georgia retinue ever got in the same subway car with Giuliani's New York pro-choice, pro-gay, pro-gun control crowd, they would not be holding hands and singing Kum-Bah-Y'all. There would be fur flying, Georgia bulldogs and Manhattan alleycats behaving badly, and a disaster of Biblical proportions. Which is exactly the prophecy that Yankee Giuliani has to look forward to if he really believes he can get away with pandering to the religious right in Georgia.

Giuliani said he opposes a ban on gay marriage, and that the issue "should play itself out in more states." Well, now it's playing out in Georgia, thanks to Rudy-n-Ralph's traveling road show and red state revival. Reed's homepage decries a judge who overturns Georgia's gay marriage ban, and features a photo of Reed and pro-gay-civil-unions Giuliani embracing, shaking hands, and baring their teeth for the camera.

Break out the popcorn! Let the hypocrisy fest begin.